Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-Eight

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You could accurately say that the whole affair ended with a bang.

Here we are, with the last two cards in the set (excluding #55, which is only a card title checklist and synopsis that I'm saving for the next post.) And what a wild and exciting trip it's been! Not to mention occasionally hair-raising, often stomach-turning, but always fun. For some reason, as we see on card #53, the reversal of the Time Scanner caused a catastrophic overload, resulting in the fiery end of the space station. Fortunately, Helen manages to escape in the nick of time. Too bad about the rest of the crew, but sacrifices must be made.

The first thing evacuated was the bowels of the technicians who were 35 seconds away from reaching the escaping shuttle.

In the last card, below, we see the devastation and destruction left in the wake of the reptilian rampages. Poor Helen seems in shock, which is pretty understandable, with all she's been through. But part of the dazed look on her face is accounted for by the realization of something else. Yes, it's just setting in how much money she can make selling her book on the only official account of the events that caused and then ended the attack.

Helen hugged herself as she thought about the huge advance for the book rights... and movie!

Below we read the final paragraph of Helen's book, written and published in only a month. She's now dating the president of the Miami Yacht Club and living in an exclusive beachfront condo which came through the destruction remarkably unscathed. All's well that ends well!

Or.... IS IT?????? Yeah, probably.

Below, the introduction page of the graphic novel, leading up to the next week's look at some of the artwork found inside, as Helen inexplicably becomes a blond. See you there!

If they think what they're looking at is scary, wait til they turn around!

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-Seven

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"So take me away, I don't mind...but you better promise me, I'll be back in time... Gotta get back in time... Gotta get back in time....Get me back in tiiiiiiime."

For Those Who Came In Late: A Time-Scanner accident brought the dinosaurs into our era, they ate a lot of people and in general were quite disruptive, and now the Scanner has been reversed, returning them to their own epoch in a giant toilet flush and shredding them to boot. The temporal twister acts like a colossal cuisinart food processor, delivering them back to their own time as chunky Saurian Salad. Hooray, mankind is saved! Now, what else is on TV?

Yes, humanity is spared...but not without heart-breaking sacrifices. Card #52 below reveals the final fate of the man most responsible for the disaster. Although accidental, fate can't let Elias Thorne escape without paying the price, which he does in the fiery grip of the Devil Dinosaur... a spiritual being with a hellish agenda. And a bad case of the uglies.

"But I saved fifteen percent on my car insurance with Geico!"

Elias Thorne's image was based upon that of the writer of the card story, Gary Gerani. On the card's back below we see an actual picture of the writer as he portrays the character's final farewell.

The final sticker in the set, pictured below, wraps up the series with a T-Rex gnoshing on a rad skateboarder, that to the hungry beast was like a Meals On Wheels.

Next: It's all over but the crying as we look at the last two cards in the set.

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-Six

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"And now, a nice tasty snaAAAAAAAAAKKK!!"

It appears that Helen finally managed to reach that button, and the end arrives... for the dinosaurs, not humanity. Not content with simply returning them to the past, the reversal rips their bones from their flesh, killing them all and sending them back as mangled corpses. Now we know what really caused the massive dinosaur extinction... Man. Yes, who was really the monster here?

Below, card #50 indeed lives up to its title, as one would be hard pressed to come up with a more gruesome fate than essentially going through a blender and becoming a meat milkshake.

"Auntie Em, it's a twister, it's a twister!"

Sticker #10 shows a complete lack of respect for the law enforcement officers, as a rebellious young triceratops protests racial profiling.

Bonus: a preview scene from a future (unpublished) issue of the Dinosaurs Attack graphic novel. Select pages of artwork from the first issue will be forthcoming after the card set is finished.

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-Five

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"Nooo! Not green slobbers on my new imported Berluti loafers!!!"

At last, now we know what evil intelligence was behind the attack on mankind... the Dinosaur Devil is revealed as it attempts to stop the plan to send the dinosaurs back in time. Resembling the biblical Beast, this hellish creature certainly was trying to bring an Apocalypse of his own. Meanwhile, Elias continues his running commentary as it happens, on the back of the card... quite a verbal feat as he is being killed!

Below, the climactic drama increases as his fellow scientist/model (who accessorizes beautifully) struggles to just... press.. the... red... button... as it hovers a tantalizing few inches away; while still looking all hot 'n sexy doing it.

"For God's sake, Helen, just press the damn button already!"

I can just imagine the feverish, breathless excitement as the kids read the dramatic end to the story, one card at a time. What's going to happen?? Can they stand it???

Meanwhile, on sticker card #9, the poor inoffensive Trachodon, unable to participate in the bloody carnage, makes do with shaking a streetlight to death.

This card was really scary if you were a lazy city electrical worker.

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-Four

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On the bright side, the bloody, live onscreen demise of the
news anchors boosted the ratings to a new all-time high.

Having a news production studio close to an outside door is not only impractical for sound insulation, but it offers no barrier against walk-in dinosaurs intent on eating the celebrity anchors. The fact they got no warning was most likely due to the management's dissatisfaction with the announcer's salary contracts.

Below, Card #46 reveals the evil hand behind the chaos, when the Dinosaur Devil (probably responsible for perverting the peaceful dinosaur's normal natures) intervenes to halt the efforts to reverse the temporal incursion.

It was at that moment that Elias realised that his internet porn
habit was going to be harder to escape than he imagined.

But just how did the physicist find time among the events to make his real-time report, revealed on the back of the card below? Perhaps he was continually dictating into a digital recorder as it all happened, a true scientist to the crushing, burning end...

Sticker #8 shows us the real purpose of the Stegosaurus' tail spines, put to good use silencing the bothersome boombox-carrying teens who have no respect for peace and quiet.

"Oh, man... that felt good!"

Next: The End Is Near!

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-Three

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Even new and improved Super Poly-Grip couldn't avoid an embarrassing incident that lessened his chances at scoring with the new product rep.

You know it's the end of the world when even your ad agency meetings are crashed by the marauding beasts. Is no-one safe from their rampage? Apparently not, as dentures and lives are lost when a window-shopping dinosaur decides to grab a quick power lunch.

Card 44, below, depicts something not seen in this set before, a little monster-on-monster violence. Perhaps it's due to being "blood-drunk" as the back of the card above states; certainly all the alchohol in the bloodstreams of the people drowning their sorrows had some impact on the devouring dinos. Or maybe they were fighting over the scurrying victims that came streaming out of the power plant when they attacked; whatever the reason, their tussle released the nuclear radiation which played havoc with the puny humans, melting the flesh off of their bones in an irradiated conflagration.

Sadly, the "days since last accident" sign will have to be re-set to "0."

It was the moment every media person was warned about:
the news reporter becoming the news.

Bonus: On sticker #7, a little relaxing recreational riding is interrupted by the leathery flapping wings of death, as this lady joins the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow in his ghostly gallops.

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-Two

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"Don't shoot, we give up!"

When monsters from the past are materializing in the present, someone's bound to occupy the same space a dinosaur is trying to take over. What happens? We see the sad result in card #41, as a hapless camper finds himself in the stomach of one... and not in the usual manner, which is down the gullet. No, poor Harry's atoms are merged with the creature's, prompting the only humane response from his pal with the gun... a quick end.

Meanwhile, that chick on the ground is hot! I think the dude in the suit really just wanted to clear the field so he could get with her; he was pretty quick on the draw there. My analysis is; this uptight bean-counter (who is wearing a suit to go camping; who does that?) was jealous of both his jock friend's gal and his manly pecs. He was waiting for a chance to off him and this was just the opportunity he was hoping for. I'm betting five seconds later Sam had his arm around the distraught woman, "comforting" her as he pressed her ample heaving bosum against his chest.

Below, a classic scene, harkening back to the classic Japanese monster movie posters. Can you name the Godzilla stars pictured?

"Aaaaawemustrunfromthemonsterattackingasheismuch
toofearsomeforourmilitaryforcestodefeat!!!"

Bonus:Sticker #6 reveals the dangers that lurk below the surface, as even swimmers hoping to relax and escape the stress of the invasion find themselves in deep trouble. This bloodless diver, bitten in half, was apparently killed for fun, since the dinosaurs throat was too small to swallow anything bigger then some small fish.

Below is a scanned detail from one of the back pages found inside the graphic novel adaptation of the card story. I'll be posting some pages from this after the card set is finished, so don't go anywhere!

"Come on, guys! It's a free smorgasbord!"

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty-One

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"They tickle! For God's sake, get them off, I can't stand it!"

It's Day 21 in the seige of humanity, and things are looking grim for the human race. When you're getting your behind kicked by some harmless trilobites, it's almost time for the fat lady to sing. I mean, freaking out when you're getting chewed by a carnivorous giant lizard with razor-sharp teeth is understandable, but screaming in terror because your face is getting scratched slightly means you've just given up, man.

If you've come with a bloodthirsty taste for gore, I'm afraid that your appetite will go unsated today. The two cards featured this time are light on the fear and heavy on the fun. Below, a small and outmatched dinosaur gets roughhoused by upstaged wrestlers. But never fear, there is a lot of put-on and nobody gets seriously hurt. You did know wrestling is fake... didn't you?

"Stay down, you fool! We're supposed to win this one!"

Next: A Guy That Really Gets Into Dinosaurs!

Dinosaurs Attack: Day Twenty

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Suddenly it went from picnic to panic as a prehistoric Yogi and Boo-Boo show up.

Another of the gorier pieces of art in the set, card #37 depicts a picnicing person ripped in half between two dinos, echoing an early card showing the same scenario. Hey, if it worked before, why not do it again? Same with the back of the card, revisiting the radio report format.

Working in concert, seemingly under the command of some intelligence, the dinosaur army advances on the enemy. Just who or what is directing them will come to light very soon.

"Cause they've got fa-a-ith, of the heart, nothin's gonna bend or break 'em..."

Bonus: The most famous, or infamous of the card stickers is finally posted; a dinosaur is eating a baby that it snatched out of the carriage. Now, just think about that for a moment. No subtle "oh, no, he's holding an empty baby carriage!" Nope, this card went right for the in-your-face image of the actual baby being devoured, with appendages (and even a pacifier) dropping from the blood-drenched teeth. You have to admire their guts!

It seems that this card set desperately tried for parental outcry and public outrage at such unrelenting horrors marketed to their children. But, for all the effort to attract attention, no sales-boosting and free promotion-generating protest was raised. It's possible that the primary outlet for these cards were comic book stores, which by that time were the main providers of trading cards. This set came too late for the general distribution at the corner convenience store as had the more succesful (and famous) "Mars Attacks!" cards which had caused such uproar.